Another year passes..

I'm not sure why but nowadays I always feel sad or bittersweet with every passing of an event such as a party or the passing of a year..or maybe even something as simple as a moment in time that I felt really happy with something or someone, maybe because I feel it has happened and going by so fast and lost to time the next moment and I can't reclaim it back and nothing has recorded it but my mind, and eventually that will also be lost to time..
There is a bittersweet feeling to every celebration, it is like a cloud that hangs over everything. It's like one of those music videos that move in slow motion and the people are laughing but the music playing is a sad song...I think that it's so sad everyone and everything has to age and become dust eventually but since that is what we are basically made of in the universe then that is what we must go back to...

Happy New Year!

Okay okay I know it's not for another day but I just wanna have a last entry in my blog before the NEW YEAR! My god it's gonna be 2009 after tomorrow night, scary how time flies..I wish the years didn't pass by so fast..And I do hope 2009 is better, even though the economy isn't supposed to be, but personally I hope I become better, whether in personal development or external things that happen to me. Some people ask: New Year resolutions? Well, I never did have any throughout all the years and don't think this year will be an exception so..but what I do want to always be is to always become better as a person in every aspect, lose weight (always a battle), become more prosperous and healthy. Ok I think I covered about everything and what most people would wish for :P Here's to 2009!

Is it love?

Is it love...if you can't stop thinking about someone?
Is it love...if every time you think of that person you miss him?
Is it love...if you look at the person's picture and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy?
Is it love...if that person drives you crazy?
Is it love...if you start getting jealous of him sometimes?
Is it love...if you're scared of losing the person?
Is it love...if you hate the person sometimes because his actions and opinions mean so much?
Is it love...

Sex and lovemaking..

Sex is just sex without feelings, but when you have sex with someone you have feelings with, it is more fulfilling but also makes you feel more insecure. Because you become more emotionally attached through sex and the sex itself becomes lovemaking.
The word 'love' in lovemaking suggests that love or an emotion akin to love is involved. Yes the connection is better that way but for some reason, I also feel more shy to that person. If I were to have sex with a stranger I feel more uninhibited and less shy or insecure about what that person thinks of me because I don't know that person and if anything unpleasant were to happen I don't even have to see that person again.
However, with someone you care about, you want things to be perfect and that's where the pressure comes. And you may not want to reveal certain sexual preferences for fear the person will judge and think you're a pervert or something. Maybe over time, these things can be revealed, but does it make the sex better, yes probably for you, does it make you less of a person in the eyes of the other if they deem something to be too kinky or dirty? That's the big question..

So emotional..

Sometimes I feel so much that it threatens to overwhelm me. But most of the time after that I feel sad..It's like a drug that drags you through highs and lows, a roller coaster of emotions. It doesn't help also that when I feel like that I like to listen to really sad songs and sad movies and feel so tragic. At that moment I feel as if I'm on the verge of life itself, almost teetering on the chasm of bottomless emotions and it takes all my control not to look into the void...

Crazy In Love?

No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about the guy, I've tried distancing and seeing if we can cool off a bit but I'm like obsessed and can't stop thinking and missing him arrrgh! In a way I hate this, terrible feeling but when I'm together with him it feels great. So torturing..

Untitled..

One day, I met a guy at the gym, at first thought he was a jerk and joker. Got to know him better and thought that yeah he's a nice guy and would be nice to get to know him better. But until now, all I know is surface stuff and he doesn't want to reveal much or go deeper. I don't know the real him and he jokes a lot all the time and is fun to be with, but if that's all I'm afraid all we can be are friends..

Waiting for someone for 4 years, I call that LOVE!

I just read someone special's blog today and it chronicled his past 4 years of painful breakup, the amazing thing was that after nearly 4 years he was still waiting for his love to come back to him! Even though he was caught cheating and the boyfriend that time did not want to forgive him, he couldn't forgive himself and was evidently going through hell and I can't imagine the pain he went through that he alluded to and described in his blog. After nearly 4 years he still wanted him to come back to him and would be faithful to him, I was very touched by that. If that's not love I don't know what is...

Back to square one..

I just had a follow up appointment with the ENT doctor that operated on me for my sinus operation. He asked me how I was and I said I was ok, except that I have a green mucus discharge similar to what I was having pre-op. He did a scope check into my nose and found that it was true and there was a lot of mucus inside my nose. He concluded that it is allergy and that I should take medication to get rid of it (nasal spray etc) and I told him that I tried that many times before in all these years that I have had it and it was why I went to him in the first place, to get rid of it! So apparently the op wasn't really necessary cause it didn't solve my problem which is an allergy problem anyways and it has got to do with my body's immune system reacting to whatever allergen and causing a buildup of mucus which causes me to feel really sick. Maybe the op helped in the drainage department so that the mucus doesn't get trapped inside but that still remains to be seen because i'm still taking post-op meds that might be helping, only when I totally stop it then I can tell whether that is true. But regardless, basically my allergies are still there and nothing can be done about it, but according to the doc some people grow out of it, I have had it many years now and I hope that is true but so far doesn't seem like it's going anywhere, and if it doesn't then all I can do is to control my immediate environment, like my home. But living in a city doesn't help as I'm allergic to dust and pollutants. So all I can do is to control and tolerate it and live with it. Life sucks huh?

Mitch Albom's For One More Day.

I watched a very touching movie called For One More Day, based on the bestselling book by Mitch Albom. It's a story of how a down and out man who, wanting to commit suicide, instead gets to spend another day with the mother that has a life-changing effect on him and makes him change his mind and turn his life around. Yes the plot sounds very made for tv fodder, it is actually but that's not the thing about it, the special thing about it is that it is heartfelt and touching in its simplicity that it moved me to tears in the end. Simple and sweet and powerful, there's a lack of such substance in films nowadays and For One More Day is a breath of fresh air...

Charice Pempengco!

There's this girl from the Philippines who's generating a lot of buzz worldwide, she's a singer and she's only 16 years old and she has the voice of an angel. Her vocal abilities rival that of the great divas even, like Celine (who's her no.1 idol), Mariah, Whitney, etc. Her videos on Youtube served as a platform for her discovery, now she has even flown to the US to appear on Oprah and working and singing with people like David Foster, Andrea Bocelli, Josh Groban and even Celine herself! I wish her all the best and hope there'll be an official album out soon and can't wait to her it!

Acquiesce or action?

When it comes to politics, should we keep quiet and maintain the status quo or risk rocking the boat and having instability? I think there should be a balance but ultimately I believe in standing up for our rights. For things may appear to be fine at that particular moment but if the moment there is an infringement on our rights I think we should try to do something about it because if we don't then it might lead to more and more violations and one day we'll wake up and find that we have no more rights..No doubt will be difficult and some people may say it won't change anything but at least we try rather than letting them step all over us.

Acting: Nature or Nurture

I've often wondered, there's quite a few actors who followed in their parents' footsteps and they usually turn out to be decent actors. People usually say 'oh, they inherited the acting gene' but I wonder whether it's so much genes as the upbringing by the parents that made them to be potentially good actors. I mean it's quite logical if the parents themselves were brought up a certain way then they would bring up their children in that way too, therefore paving the way for their children to be good actors too right? Or could it be really in the genes and whichever way or whoever brought them up they would still be good actors? Hmm, I guess it is another example of the age old nature vs. nurture argument that no one can really prove conclusively...

Sincerely happy for other people.

Most people have to work. And most people wish they didn't. Yet there are those who don't have to work and yet people think they should. It's just so ridiculous, it's fucking hypocritical. People actually grudge someone if they have a better life than them, they can't stand seeing it and then they will attribute factors like, 'oh that person doesn't deserve it', 'oh he's so lazy' or whatever, in actual truth is they're just jealous that they're lives are not or was not like that. It's just screwed up. I mean we all get jealous, I get jealous also thinking of those multi-millionaires and whatever, but you know what? If they didn't cheat anyone to get it then shy should it bother me? It is rightfully theirs. People should just be sincerely happy to see other people happy, only then can there be peace in the world.

Youth is wasted on the young, because they think they have forever...

The adage youth is wasted on the young has been around i'm sure for quite a while. I used to think some old bitter geyser came up with it just because he was old already and couldn't stand it. But now when I think more about it, I have a strong feeling there was more to it than just the surface meaning. I think it doesn't just mean young people take youth for granted, but that they are not matured enough to know how to fully utilize and maximize their youth and strength. And because they think they're still young and not worried about growing old, they're not motivated at all to do anything near as productive as if they were old or going to die soon. If they thought they were running out of time then I'm sure many would not be so arrogant about themselves. When I encounter any rude or arrogant young person I always think: 'Wait 'till he gets old and we'll see if he still thinks he can get away with that kind of behaviour'. I know it's not good to think that way but some of them do really need a reality and 'mortality' check! Let's hope young people realise that life is fragile and can end anytime, it's no guarantee one will even get to grow old, so they should be grateful for the chance to be young.

Earth is 4.5 billion years old!

Parts of dialogue I had about my comment on Facebook: 4.5 billion years of earth and what are we but a speck of dust in the sands of time...

Yeah, just sometimes when I feel like I don't know where life and humanity is heading it makes me wonder, are we so self-important and caught up in our daily lives to not realize that it all actually means nothing when we are all dead and gone.

yes each one of us is unique but special? I'm not sure...Whether we mean anything in the bigger scheme of things is debatable.

I kinda disagree, no offence. That's just a way to console ourselves and validate our existence, the truth is, there is no way to prove that we're not just accidental life on this planet called earth and we build cities and monuments in the arrogance that we are great and mean something in this world, in this universe, when the likelihood is that we are actually just made up of particles that just live and die once expires.

I guess I'm coming from the angle of needing to know the meaning of our existence here and I'm getting more convinced that there is actually no meaning. We live, we eat, we shit, we fuck, we die.

Bring back the old 007!

What happened to James Bond? It seems the newer installations are nothing but like the typical insipid Hollywood action movie. Gone is the charm, the suave, the tongue-in-cheek humor, I even miss the chauvinistic attitude of the secret agent. For therein lies the charm and uniqueness of James Bond, he has to be somewhat unbelievable in his coolness factor and in getting out of impossible situations but the recent ones have been seriously lacking in these things. James Bond is meant to be un-pc, i.e. not politically correct, not all serious and real-life grittiness. For that is what is amusing and entertaining about the character. Without that, he losses his lustre and becomes a typical action hero that's just not so...James Bond.

Finding Neverland.

There is this wonderful movie, a gem that I just watched. I had actually watched it years ago but at that time did not have a blog. I just finished it with a friend and while watching it, got emotional all over again and cried a lot. It is one of the most touching movies I have seen, one with heart and soul which is rarely seen in movies nowadays. Coupled with a good script (it was adapted from a book) and a solid cast with sincere performances filled with conviction. It tells the story of how the author of Peter Pan came about writing the play and what inspired him to do so. It seems utterly believable even though there are quite a few scenes that seem too surreal and therein lies the magic, that we can see it with a childlike and innocent curiosity and not through an adult's jaded and judgmental thinking. Only then will the film mean anything. Magical...

Resenting other people's happiness...

What is it about people who can't stand seeing other people happy? I mean when I was an immature young man I was jealous of people who was better than me but as I got older and more matured I learned to look beyond my own biased illogical emotions and be happy for people who deserve to be. Maybe the people who aren't happy that I have a ncie life actually think I don't deserve it. But when I mean don't deserve it I mean people who are bad or who got their life through cheating people or whatever, not through legal means. So what if I inherited my wealth? It's my luck in life. Why do people grudge that? A lot of parents grudge that their kids have a better life than them when they were young. Isn't that what parents want? A better life for their kids? But when they do achieve that they tear the kids down by using it against them: 'oh you kspoilt brat, you know during my days we had to suffer so much, you don't even know. You haven't gone through anything worthwhile, you're all chickenshit!' or something to that effect...I just wish people can truly be happy for another person when the other person is doing better than them, I think that will be another really big step to having a peaceful world.

Whatever happened to all the old people?

Sometimes I wonder, where did all the old people go? Have they been totally forgotten by the general 'active' population and been squirreled away in old folks' homes and god knows where that they've been conveniently forgotten and ignored? Are we so youth oriented that we choose not to focus on the aged maybe because it stems from the horrifying thought that one day we will grow old also and consigned to the same fate as them? I really applaud the corporations that have embraced old people and decided to hire them as they can still be productive members of society (and hopefully not because they come cheap!). I hope one day when I'm old I won't be conveniently forgotten and become useless and holed up somewhere until I die. I hope my life means more than that...

Satisfaction. State of things. Happiness.

My conclusion about life happiness is that there is no happiness in life, only satisfied with current state and as long as there is no satisfaction of current state of things there will be no happiness, yet if there is satisfaction of current state then happiness is only short lived as states change and we can't be stagnant in a current state, so does that mean that happiness will never be found? Who knows?

The ties that bind...

I wonder...Is it possible to outgrow one's own family? A friend said it's not possible as family is as much apart of your life as being gay. But I disagree as I feel that family in the end are just people associated by similar genes if you think about it. Family is just a word that describes a group of people whom either gave birth or was birthed from the other. And the fact that it can be even used for when one's married to an outsider I don't really see what is so special about family in the end. I mean I'm not a cold-hearted bitch, but if you think about it, a family is just a collection of people that is similar to, let's say, a society of gamers or something...So what is it about the ties that bind? Are we so weak and dependant that we need to identify so-called family to ensure that we have something to fall back on? Hmm, in the end I think it's best if we depend on ourselves. I feel family can be the source of much negativity too, I mean nothing good can come out of forcing people to acknowledge each other and go through activities that usually just drive each o Mayther up the wall, I mean why bother? I'd rather spend time with peopl I truly like and connect with. Maybe I have outgrown my family...

Akihiro Sato!!!

Omg! I found this uber sexy male model online called Akihiro Sato! Apparently he's of Japanese-Brazilian-Thai heritage or something like that, obviously the combination worked out perfectly, he's stunning! I feel faint from looking at his pictures :P

Just a thought...

Want everyone to be happy, the world to be a better place, we all have 1 life, make love not war, when we depart this world it will all not matter anymore.. Look within ourselves and touch our own humanity and feel it's humble humility and pure emotion...

Damning regrets...

I just finished watching the movie Atonement. It struck a chord in me, not least that it was very touching towards the end. It set me thinking about regrets and mistakes in life. I'm sure most of us have a regret that is so major we keep thinking about it over time and keep wondering how things would have turned out if we had done things differently. I know I have. Maybe nothing as serious as causing a man to go to jail and eventually ending in his death like in the movie, but situations that could have impacted my life so much that would cause it to be altered significantly that it might be so different from how things turned out. There's a line from another movie, The Time Machine: 'You're a man haunted by those two most terrible words, What If?' I do believe that is the case for many people, and why some cannot move on and suffer the terrible weight of guilt upon their shoulders. How do we move on? I do not know, for if it already weighs so heavily then it is not so easily undone. Maybe that's why there's so much sadness and bitterness...

Unsophisticated non-masculinity in Malaysian gays

I am convinced that why Malaysia has a disproportionate number of twinkish gay boys (men would be giving them too much credit) and horribly tacky looking twinkish gay boys at that, is due to the fact that a lot of the gays in Malaysia are poor and have an inadequate background to prepare them for the hawards of a gay life, and thrust into it at a young age, they tend to have a misguided sense of what is fashionable, which is unfortunately, pieces of trashy rags and inappropriately obscene, not even sexy, just plain obscene outfits being worn (usually proudly) by the said twinks. It is bad enough they are anorexic looking, coupled with a trashy fashion sense, usually accentuated by dyed brown/blonde spiky hair and tacky bling and accesories, they are the epitome of gays-gone-wrong! Wherefore art thou the fab five from Queer Eye when you need them, I think their Malaysian brethren need them much more than the straight guys in America! This phenomenon (which many of us in Malaysia call, the shampoo boys) seems to be endemic in Malaysia and much less so in the neighbouring countries of Thailand, Indonesia, Singapore and all the other countries in Southeast Asia and probably even the world. It is my opinion that Malaysia has the LEAST masculine gay population anywhere and it is just simply sad that the gays here are simply quite ugly overall compared to the ones in other countries.

Doctor follow-ups

I went to see my doctor again today, it was another follow-up and I was surprised when he told me that the next visit onwards he would not charge me anymore. I was pleasantly surprised but thought that it is actually very fair, otherwise what is there to keep the doctor from giving continuous follow-ups even after the patient is well already. But then it occurred to me that he had already charged me a bomb already so far so it's not exactly a big loss for him to give me a few extra free visits..Nevertheless it's better than nothing and at least now I can go for the appointments without the apprehension of another whopping bill.

Efficient bonding..

I was thinking, after all this time being single for so many years, endlessly chasing...well not skirts but pants in my case, I do feel somewhat tired. I mean yeah it was and still is fun, but after the endless parade of one-night-stands and tiresome hunting, I feel like I want more of a connection. Maybe not necessarily a boyfriend, but someone who can fulfill the needs of a boyfriend. I guess some people would call these people fuck buddies, but I prefer the term part time boyfriends. People who come together when they need each other to fill the need for some loving or care and then go their separate ways, no strings attached, no fuss no muss. It's better that way because you get the benefits of a relationship and emotional well-being when you need it, without all the negative drama that comes with a typical relationship. Actually, ideally I think people should just all get together if and when they feel like it and love each other in whichever way they want, be it sexual, emotional or intellectual, it is much more efficient that way and removes all the expectations of obsessive monogamy where the problems start when a person expects a monogamous relationship, and suspicion and jealousy come into the picture, which leads to arguments and suffering. Totally unnecessary.

Back already, so sad...

Everytime I come back from a holiday, especially a nice one like Bangkok, I feel particularly sad. Of course everyone will be sad that a holiday is over, but I just can't help but compare lousy Malaysia with a fantastic country like Thailand. Yes I know every country is different, ut why shouldn't we all take a leaf from someone, or in this case, some other country. The Thais have so much to offer. It is a beautiful country with beautiful people, such delicious (and cheap!) food, beautiful well crafted products, wonderful service (they take such pride in their service and kindness), most friendly people I've ever met. Modern and convenient transport and they never, ever forget their culture. Altogether a very creative and gifted people who really know how to enjoy life and yet be down to earth. It is truly Amazing Thailand...

HoLiDaY!

Yayyy! Going Bangkok for holiday today, won't be posting for several days, I hope I have a good time there, what with the riots and all, but my friends there sway it's actually nothing. Mainly confined to certain areas like the parliament bulding or whatever, well hopefully..

Perfume...The Story Of A Murderer

I have just watched a most wonderful and peculiar movie entitled 'Perfume...The Story Of A Murderer'. It is a movie based solely on the olfactory talents of a man born in the 18th century. He possesses a sense of smell so heightened, it becomes a whole new world for him. In his quest to obtain the perfect scent, he resorts to murdering innocent people.
It is indeed a compelling watch, the visuals are so stunning and striking, you can actually imagine what the protagonist is smelling. It is a wonderfully woven tale that is at once magical yet believable. Climaxing in a scene that has to be seen to be believed. A must watch!

21/10/08 Being 'the other man'

I wonder if it's ok to be sleeping with someone who is attached already. I'm not exactly torn about it, I feel that it's actually ok. I mean it's none of my business if the person I'm sleeping with is attached already, if he wasn't fooling around with me then mostly likely he would be fooling around with someone else anyways. But I guess there are those goody two-shoes out there who would frown in disapproval at what they would consider to be something horribly sinful. But to me sex is just sex and I'm not big on relationships so to me it's not a big deal anyways. Oh and it's fun too haha!

19/10/08 Massive allergic reaction

Something terrible happened yesterday. I'm still recovering from my sinus operation so there's still some bleeding and infection in my nose. After going for a follow up visit with my doc I went to have lunch and I had prawns in one of the dishes. I remember I also had prawns on the day I had the allergic reaction that led to my gout and had massive allergic reaction in just a matter of hours. Yesterday was the same thing, sudden continuous nosebleed and fever.
I guess for some reason after the op I became allergic to prawns again after not being allergic for so long since my young teenage years, it's scary. I thought oh shit! It's happening again and didn't know what to do, luckily it went away after a few hours, most likely due to the stronger antibiotics that I was taking already. Sigh, imagine 2 pieces of prawns can cause such a horrible result, so scary, makes you realize how fragile our bodies are and makes you think about paying much closer attention to everything you eat.

17/10/08 Money is the root of all evil...

It is an age old adage 'money is the root of all evil' and I do believe it is true, now more so than ever. Society is at a downward spiral of materialism and the pursuit of wealth that almost every decision we make is motivated by financial and selfish gain: How do I benefit from this? How do I gain from this? Money has erroded our basic humanity and morality.
We live in times of zero accountability, lack of responsibility, superficiality, underhanded deception, corruption, collusion and outright cheating. The list goes on. Now I'm not saying that money causes all this, so does power, sex, anything that people want more than and above other people. But money will get us all that we want, just depends on how much money...The poor want to get richer, the rich will never get enough. We have become bitter and money is everything. Has our society come to such that without money we find no motivation to do anything worthwhile?
Will it and has it come to such that doctors won't take care of patients unless they can earn and earn a lot from them? I hear in America they're already ditching people who can't pay by the sidewalk. What have we become as people, can we still hold our head up? Have we become so shameless and thick skinned? Can we blame them when the world we live in encourages that kind of behaviour, not just in the medical industry but everywhere else? Nowadays everyone and everything has a price.
Whatever happened to decency and just helping people for the sake of it? It is sorely lacking nowadays. Even friends can betray you at the drop of a penny (well, definitely more than a penny, it's got to be enough money right?). I personally think it is our financial system that encourages that behaviour. Yet it is impossible to remove it as the world would grind to a halt.
So it is that the machine must be fed and we all march to our doom. The future does not look good for man. The end result is clear, our path is wrong and our ideals are in the wrong place. The inevitable end is that humans will destroy each other through greed and apathy.

15/10/08 Gout!

I found out I have gout today. After intense swelling and pain from my left foot (where 50% of gout sufferers experience it, specifically near the big toe) I went to see a doctor in the evening when I finally couldn't take the pain anymore, and lucky I did cause I thought it was due to a normal sprain. Apparently the cause of gout normally is due to eating purine rich food and having too much stress. Well, I can guess where the stress came from, probably my sinus surgery last week. And I do love to eat meat and salty food that is purine rich apparently. I'm just hoping there won't be a repeat performance from the gout because it could mean a more serious problem. People who get it may get it once in awhile or never again or if they're unlucky, very often. So now what I've got to do is: eat a balanced diet, lessen stress and exercise (which I do regularly under normal circumstances).

13/10/08 What is the world coming to...

Some people, actually a lot of people in my opinion, are just cold and heartless. Worst still, some people pretend to be all nice and caring to get what they want and then when they do, they drop you like a hot potato making you feel used, at least be gracious and responsible when you let the person down. Don't just not reply calls and text messages suddenly, that's just rude. I'd rather they just come out and tell me even if it's mean rather than hide behind a smiling face and made as if they were sincere when they were not, it really hurts the most.
I won't go into specifics because this can be applied to anyone and anything, though the situation that happened to me involved something of a personal nature, it is still painful to be used, as I'm sure everyone will agree. I just hope that I'm wrong about religion and God or a higher power and people like that will be rightfully punished. I'm not saying I'm a paragon of virtue, but some people just don't know their limits and don't care at all about other people but themselves.

12/10/08 Expanding tea flower

My friend drank an interesting tea yesterday. The tea itself wasn't the most interesting part, it was that instead of leaves, it came in a whole flower and once put in hot water, expands itself. My friend's tea pot was transparent so it was somewhat amusing to see the flower slowly opening up as if it was blooming. After drinking the tea we felt so sad to throw the flower away lol!

10/10/08 Prince Court Medical Centre is bad!

This is my first day back from my ordeal, i.e. my sinus operation. It is yet unknown whether the operation is a success as it is too soon to tell. Since I haven't written for several days then it's alright for me to make this a long one, because there's A LOT of things I must write about my experience there..
I feel I must clarify my statement above about this entry as it is not the centre itself that is bad (that would confer some sort of supernatural presence to the building) but the staff that serve there. They were undoubtedly very friendly but the fault lies not in their social skills but in their unprofessional conduct.
I will now list out the various things I found to be unbelievable in how so-called medical professionals can allow themselves to commit:

1. My doctor estimated the bill to be around $6-8K in total. When we got the bill on the day we left, it was nearly 14K! I wonder if that's the reason why doctors are never around when you get the bill, cause they would get too many questions about the unreasonable charges! You get vague categories such as:
Consumables. Like what? I'm sure they're not talking about food because that should be included in the room charges...then again I wouldn't know cause it's so vague...Another one is Equipment, nursing care. operating theatre..Jeez! I wish the doctor would've told me that we have to rent everything from the hospital, funny he should neglect to mention that since the cost of that is nearly the same as what he's charging for the operation itself!
Maybe because after they know you have insurance they don't care because the insurance is covering it, but there is a LIMIT to how much insurances cover! At least we have the bill, hey they didn't even want to give us a copy until we insisted on it! They said it wasn't necessary and they would just send it straight to the insurance company. So if they were to bill us equivalent to the cost of a house we wouldn't even know about it! And insurance companies don't make a habit of coming back to tell you how much your bill is...

2. I had to go see my doctor everyday, from my ward. So they'll have someone wheel me from the 4th floor to the 3rd floor where his clinic is. Now, seeing as it takes just a few minutes to get me down there, why is it he usually makes me wait at least an hour, once it was nearly 2 hours to see him?! I know his business is good but shouldn't priority be given to in-patients like me who just finished an operation and feeling like shit, to be made to wait so long? Can't he time it such that I just have to wait few minutes once I'm there? Worse, I usually see people go in who arrive after me!

3. In order to see inside my nose he has to insert stuff and do stuff that are inevitably painful. Not ONCE did he offer me a tissue when I had tears rolling down my cheeks due to the pain or even when I had stuff dripping from my nose, I had to ask for it!

4. He forgot about the medication he prescribed me...TWICE! Luckily I remembered and asked the nurses to check with him. Once, even the nurses showed their frustration with him! On the second time, because it was late, and because he forgot my medication, I went to the clinic (which was after all, one floor down) to get it from him, they couldn't even get a hold of him because he had left for god knows where, and they had the gall to ask me to go to the pharmacy to get it myself! And on the way there, I saw him chit chatting to someone at a lounge area...

The nurses:
1. If you stay in Prince Court, pray that you don't have any problems or accidents in the middle of the night. Because the nurses will NOT come to check on you at all until the next morning when they have to give you medication. It doesn't mean that if the call button for them is there they don't have to do their jobs!

2. If you stay in Prince Court, pray that you don't get an unexperienced nurse attending to you, over the course of a few days I have had young chick nurses who don't even know how to inject antibiotics properly or even use the ear thermometer properly! I had to tell the nurse that the thermometer didn't even touch my ear..

3. The nurse/pharmacist who came to give me my antibiotics when I was discharged, forgot to even write down or tell me whether it's to be taken before or after food.

The administration:
I thought on my last day I'd take it easy, and maybe have lunch before I go, kinda felt bad that maybe I should leave earlier. Well, I didn't have to, in fact I should've ordered dinner as well cause by the time we checked out it was nearly 8 at night! What should have been a nice speedy discharge turned out to be a long draggy day of waiting for the doctor the whole morning until he finally deemed fit to see me during lunch time..just before my lunch came and I was so hungry too...and then more waiting at his clinic, by the time I finished with him was around 3, my food was cold by the time I got back, at least I got to eat. Then another delay because the doctor forgot to prescribe and give me my medicine and I had to ask the nurse in my ward who couldn't find him and then I had to go down to his clinic and he wasn't there and the nurses there couldn't find him, even though it was still working hours, and then I had to go to the pharmacy to buy the stuff myself and pay out of my pocket. Oh! and all this while we had asked for the bill already which they were taking forever to come up with. The bill only came after nearly 4 hours after we asked for it and their excuse was that they couldn't reach the insurance people. I shudder to think what would happen if I didn't have insurance at all, then I wouldn't be even admitted or have my surgery done...but then at least I wouldn't have to go through this atrocious experience...Pros and cons I guess...

5/10/08 Surgery tomorrow!

My operation on my sinus to alleviate my sinusitis (hopefully) is tomorrow, how time flies. Will be MIA for a few days so...sigh, not looking forward to it, when I come back there will be tons of msgs to check and all that. Hope it will go smoothly, but having been through one before I know it's gonna be quite suffering for few days after, extensive bleeding and disgusting looking matter being expelled from my nose, yuuch!

3/10/08 Plastics..

I just got back from another nite of clubbing, it was ok. But what I don't get are the people who seem so unfriendly, even though they know you, they want to look so cool or something that they just give you a fake nod that's supposed to pass for acknowlegement from their royal assnesses. I'd rather be ignored than get a really fake acknowledgement. Then there are those who just outright ignore you even though they know you and you know they know you, which makes it weird the next time you meet them somewhere else like the gym or something and start talking like as if the whole ignoring thing never happened...I mean, people just want to go out and go clubbing for fun so I don't know what is up with the attitude, if they're going to be so antisocial I don't see the point of going out to a place where the main thing is to socialise!!

2/10/08 Love for love itself!

I have to say, if you talk long enough with a gay person, the conversation inevitably turns to matters of the heart, i.e. love and relationships. And when you talk about gay relationships monogamy always comes hand in hand simply because it's a matter of much consternation among gay men and those in relationships.
I don't know when society decided to make relationships monogamous but I think we are biologically programmed to not be monogamous and to spread our seed far and wide. If nature intended us to be like that why go against nature? Why should there just be 1 person for us in this whole wide world of billions of people? That doesn't make sense.
I think too many people buy into the notion of romantic fairytale love like they see in movies and dramas that they wish their life was like that, I think it's selfish to want a person to just love you, it's possessive and obsessive. If we were secure in ourselves why would we need another person to 'complete' us and be our soul mate, if there is such a thing..
I think people will be happier and there would be less breakups and divorces and on the whole the world would be a better place if people just forget about labels like boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whatever! It doesn't matter, we don't have to own someone for them to love us and vice versa. We should just love for love itself, if you like the person, whether it be for company, for sex, for love, anything, just enjoy each other and respect each other and experience the best in each other, don't have any expectations and issues and you remove all the drama, problems, friction and I think we will have an even better time loving the people we love. In a purer form and state and we would all be happier and more fulfilled human beings!

2/10/08 Mamma Mia!

I went to watch Mamma Mia! the movie and expected just another Hollywood adaptation of a musical but by the end was quite pleasantly surprised that it was very entertaining and moving. It started a bit slow but picked up in the second half of the movie and towards the end was quite magical and would put a smile or a tear on any hardened person's face. At first all the characters and scenery seemed trite and overly happy like as if they were high on drugs or something, but in the in end the joie de vivre manages to rub off and you are drawn into their world of a beautiful island where high drama and a comedy of error ensues. Of course the great Meryl Streep is in the movie and that does no harm but the truely delightful moments come from her 'sidekicks' Christine Baranski and Julie Walters, they're simply hilarious! Altogether a very entertaining movie that brings back the bohemian spirit and flower power!

1/10/08 Age - the indomitable foe..

I met someone today whom I thought was older than me and when he told me his age he was actually 2 years younger than me, that came as a surprise because he looked older but the thing that bothered me was not that he was younger, but that I was older and thinking back, I have been meeting more and more people who are younger than me. It could mean either of 2 things: I'm just meeting more younger people for some reason or...I'm actually getting old. I have a feeling it's the latter. I'm 28. I know I know, most people are going to berate me for thinking I'm old at that age but you know, in the gay world 28 is like 56 or something. I might as well retire from the gay scene in 2 years time..give or take.
Gone were the days when I used to be the youngest in a group of people, now there's a much higher chance that I'm the oldest and that'll only increase the older I get. Time seems to move faster when you're older too and nowadays I feel so apprehensive of getting old that I try do to as much as I can in life before I'm too old and that results in me overextending myself and burning out mentally, sometimes I feel like my brain is going to short circuit and my body is gonna fall apart from watching too many movies, meeting too many people, having too much sex, eating as much as I can before my metabolism disappears, etc..Sigh, the bane of mortality. Let's hope someone discovers the fountain of youth before I get too old to reverse the ravages of aging!

30/9/08 Lucky in cards..

I played a card game yesterday with 2 other friends, we played something called Chor Dai Di, it's Asia's twist on the classic game of poker I suppose. The rules go something like: You have to throw a card that is of higher number than what the previous person throw out, whether it be a single or pair or 3 of a kind, four of a kind, straight, flush, full house etc. So we were playing the game for many rounds and amazingly, one of the players (not me unfortunately) for some reason almost every single round had either a straight flush or four of a kind! Now any decent poker or card player will tell you that that is statistically damn hard to achieve! Suffice it to say, we were more than a little bit chagrined and since we were playing money, I lost quite a lot, especially because a straight flush or four of a kind automatically gives the player a certain amount of money. But I'm just wondering, what is this thing called luck and what kind of lucky confluence of circumstances that allows such an anomaly to occur. I wonder if there is an explanation, at least one that makes sense, of this thing called luck..

28/9/08 Shirt tags in plain view

One of the things that I can't stand seeing, and this is by no means the fault of the people involved, is the sight of shirt tags hanging out from the top for the whole world to see. I don't know why, even though it's a small trivial detail but for some reason, it just drives me crazy and makes me feel like reaching out on a complete stranger and turning it back into the shirt. Undoubtedly, if I did that I'd probably get a dirty look or maybe even a tight slap or get into a fight with a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend, so I don't. For now I can just do that to friends who I know won't beat me up, lol.

26/9/08 Selfish motherfuckers!

I hate hate hate selfish motherfuckers who suck you grudgingly and then after they cum give you the excuse that they don't suck after they cum, that's just so fucking selfish, I hope they burn in hell and forced to suck other people for eternity without being able to cum forever.

25/9/08 The world is but a stage..

I went to watch a play today, my friend who is involved in it invited me. It was actually 3 plays in 1 so that probably accounts for why it was 2 and 1/2 hours long. The actors did a great job, hardly any mistakes. It always amazes me how actors in plays manage to memorize such large volumes of dialogue and yet make minimal mistakes. Even with countless numbers of rehearsals isn't easy to just miss lines or worse, totally blank out? Yet most plays that I have been to that has almost never happened. It really amazes me! They must have such powers of concentration and the ability to just tune out the audience and be so quick and not have any inhibitions on stage. Maybe to them it's normal and easy but to me it's astounding! I've tried to act in a play once when I was in high school and it was disastrous! I forgot half the lines (though how few they were), and mixed up the rest! After that I had a phobia about acting in plays and swore never to act in one ever again! I really admire those people who manage to get up on stage, put themselves out for criticism and yet grin and bear it and at the end of the day manage to deliver spot on performances..

24/9/08 Matters of the brain..

If psychologists and psychiatrists are out to earn money, how do patients know that they are truly helping them or keeping them sick so they can earn more money from them? Since psychologists know so much about the brain and how people think what prevents them from using that knowledge in manipulating people for their own purposes? If they also need to earn money then how do we know what their true motivations are and whether they are really 'good people' who truly deep down want to help people. They could be evil for all we know. I met one who was rude, bitchy and condescending, very unprofessional. So if we can't rely on even psychologists and psychiatrists to help us, the so-called experts of the human mind, then what hope is there left to help even ourselves? Scary when you think about it...

23/9/08 Unable to relax

I feel so restless and unable to relax today, sweaty palms and feet even when I'm driving, unable to talk properly with people, am I suffering from some condition? Sigh..

22/9/08 Sinus Madness!

My sinusitis is back, I'm so frustrated, apparently I have allergies and several ENT (Ear Nose and Throat for the uninitiated) specialists I saw told me that there's no cure for it so several times a year I will get extensive sneezing and nasal congestion and green infected mucous and loads of phlegm and terrible face pain and fever and headache! OMG I hate it so much. Medication just gets rid of it for a short while and it comes back and everytime I have to take antibiotics which is bad for my body the more I take it but I have no choice because that's apparently the only way to kill bacteria! So now I'm going to see if I can do nasal irrigation instead with something called a Neti pot but doubtful I can get it in Malaysia..maybe..I just hope I can put an end to this, just cant imagine having to live with this terrible affliction for the rest of my life and/or taking medication permanently!

21/9/08 Rain hands pee

A funny thing happened today. I was with a friend in the early afternoon and we were caught in the rain leaving a place. It was actually a very light drizzle so not much rain actually got on us. After that we went to a shopping mall and he wanted to go to the toilet. I also needed to go, so we went in and my friend went straight to the sink to wash his hands. At first I didn't give it much thought, I just assumed his hands were dirty and he needed to wash them. Then after I finished at the urinal and went to wash my hands, he in turn went to the urinal to pee. I thought it was weird that he washed his hands before he peed and asked him why and he said cause he was under the rain earlier. That sort of baffled me because:
Number 1: It wasn't like we were drenched or anything.
Number 2: The rain would've a long time already before that.
Number 3: Why would someone wash their hands because of a bit of rain? Could it be the few drops of minor acidic rain would've eaten away at his skin or something?
Hmm...weird...

20/9/08 Strong smelling fruit

My mom bought jackfruit and though it smells really nice, like a sweet scented fruit perfume, it's kind of overpowering..to the point that I can smell it in my room all the way from the kitchen! I wonder why some fruit has such a much stronger scent than others? Anyways, I'm happy it acts as a natural air-freshener!

19/9/08 - List of UNACCEPTABLE behaviour from so-called friends.

Today I decided (after meeting many people who call themselves friends but exhibit such unfriendly behaviour) to put together a list of what I think is unacceptable behaviour in a friendship:

What I find UNACCEPTABLE in a 'friendship':
1. Friends who actually became 'friends' with you because they wanted to sleep with you and when you say no they don't even want to be friends anymore. Just say if you want a fuck and be prepared to take no for an answer.

2. Friends who are usually friendly and totally ignore you when they're with someone whom they are interested in and don't want to introduce to you for fear of you 'stealing' that person away. Guess what, you're a bastard and you don't deserve friends.

3. Friends who want to sell you things or ask you to join schemes to earn money.

4. Friends who lie often.

5. Friends who borrow money and/or expect you to pay for stuff. Go rob a bank.

6. Friends who always ask you to fetch them, or worse, expect you to just because they don't have a car. Ever heard of taxis?

7. Friends who think they own you and you're not supposed to hang go out with the friends they introduce to you without them. That's just being selfish.

8. Friends who asks you straight for another friend's number when they just met. I'm not a pimp, ask for it yourself.

9. Friends who get to know you to get to know other people and/or find out about a person they like.

10. Friends who are fake, superficial and shallow.

11. Friends who are rude, who don't reply your sms when necessary and only at their convenience.

18/9/08 My very first blog...

This is my first entry in my blog. So the thought of the day is: why the hell haven't I blogged ages ago when I knew about it? Hmm, maybe cause I have procrastinated about it....for many years :-@ I know what you're thinking, I'm probably the worst procrastinator in the world! So to everyone: Don't procrastinate! You might end up not doing something you wanted to do for years!