Another year passes..

I'm not sure why but nowadays I always feel sad or bittersweet with every passing of an event such as a party or the passing of a year..or maybe even something as simple as a moment in time that I felt really happy with something or someone, maybe because I feel it has happened and going by so fast and lost to time the next moment and I can't reclaim it back and nothing has recorded it but my mind, and eventually that will also be lost to time..
There is a bittersweet feeling to every celebration, it is like a cloud that hangs over everything. It's like one of those music videos that move in slow motion and the people are laughing but the music playing is a sad song...I think that it's so sad everyone and everything has to age and become dust eventually but since that is what we are basically made of in the universe then that is what we must go back to...

Happy New Year!

Okay okay I know it's not for another day but I just wanna have a last entry in my blog before the NEW YEAR! My god it's gonna be 2009 after tomorrow night, scary how time flies..I wish the years didn't pass by so fast..And I do hope 2009 is better, even though the economy isn't supposed to be, but personally I hope I become better, whether in personal development or external things that happen to me. Some people ask: New Year resolutions? Well, I never did have any throughout all the years and don't think this year will be an exception so..but what I do want to always be is to always become better as a person in every aspect, lose weight (always a battle), become more prosperous and healthy. Ok I think I covered about everything and what most people would wish for :P Here's to 2009!

Is it love?

Is it love...if you can't stop thinking about someone?
Is it love...if every time you think of that person you miss him?
Is it love...if you look at the person's picture and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy?
Is it love...if that person drives you crazy?
Is it love...if you start getting jealous of him sometimes?
Is it love...if you're scared of losing the person?
Is it love...if you hate the person sometimes because his actions and opinions mean so much?
Is it love...

Sex and lovemaking..

Sex is just sex without feelings, but when you have sex with someone you have feelings with, it is more fulfilling but also makes you feel more insecure. Because you become more emotionally attached through sex and the sex itself becomes lovemaking.
The word 'love' in lovemaking suggests that love or an emotion akin to love is involved. Yes the connection is better that way but for some reason, I also feel more shy to that person. If I were to have sex with a stranger I feel more uninhibited and less shy or insecure about what that person thinks of me because I don't know that person and if anything unpleasant were to happen I don't even have to see that person again.
However, with someone you care about, you want things to be perfect and that's where the pressure comes. And you may not want to reveal certain sexual preferences for fear the person will judge and think you're a pervert or something. Maybe over time, these things can be revealed, but does it make the sex better, yes probably for you, does it make you less of a person in the eyes of the other if they deem something to be too kinky or dirty? That's the big question..

So emotional..

Sometimes I feel so much that it threatens to overwhelm me. But most of the time after that I feel sad..It's like a drug that drags you through highs and lows, a roller coaster of emotions. It doesn't help also that when I feel like that I like to listen to really sad songs and sad movies and feel so tragic. At that moment I feel as if I'm on the verge of life itself, almost teetering on the chasm of bottomless emotions and it takes all my control not to look into the void...

Crazy In Love?

No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about the guy, I've tried distancing and seeing if we can cool off a bit but I'm like obsessed and can't stop thinking and missing him arrrgh! In a way I hate this, terrible feeling but when I'm together with him it feels great. So torturing..

Untitled..

One day, I met a guy at the gym, at first thought he was a jerk and joker. Got to know him better and thought that yeah he's a nice guy and would be nice to get to know him better. But until now, all I know is surface stuff and he doesn't want to reveal much or go deeper. I don't know the real him and he jokes a lot all the time and is fun to be with, but if that's all I'm afraid all we can be are friends..

Waiting for someone for 4 years, I call that LOVE!

I just read someone special's blog today and it chronicled his past 4 years of painful breakup, the amazing thing was that after nearly 4 years he was still waiting for his love to come back to him! Even though he was caught cheating and the boyfriend that time did not want to forgive him, he couldn't forgive himself and was evidently going through hell and I can't imagine the pain he went through that he alluded to and described in his blog. After nearly 4 years he still wanted him to come back to him and would be faithful to him, I was very touched by that. If that's not love I don't know what is...

Back to square one..

I just had a follow up appointment with the ENT doctor that operated on me for my sinus operation. He asked me how I was and I said I was ok, except that I have a green mucus discharge similar to what I was having pre-op. He did a scope check into my nose and found that it was true and there was a lot of mucus inside my nose. He concluded that it is allergy and that I should take medication to get rid of it (nasal spray etc) and I told him that I tried that many times before in all these years that I have had it and it was why I went to him in the first place, to get rid of it! So apparently the op wasn't really necessary cause it didn't solve my problem which is an allergy problem anyways and it has got to do with my body's immune system reacting to whatever allergen and causing a buildup of mucus which causes me to feel really sick. Maybe the op helped in the drainage department so that the mucus doesn't get trapped inside but that still remains to be seen because i'm still taking post-op meds that might be helping, only when I totally stop it then I can tell whether that is true. But regardless, basically my allergies are still there and nothing can be done about it, but according to the doc some people grow out of it, I have had it many years now and I hope that is true but so far doesn't seem like it's going anywhere, and if it doesn't then all I can do is to control my immediate environment, like my home. But living in a city doesn't help as I'm allergic to dust and pollutants. So all I can do is to control and tolerate it and live with it. Life sucks huh?

Mitch Albom's For One More Day.

I watched a very touching movie called For One More Day, based on the bestselling book by Mitch Albom. It's a story of how a down and out man who, wanting to commit suicide, instead gets to spend another day with the mother that has a life-changing effect on him and makes him change his mind and turn his life around. Yes the plot sounds very made for tv fodder, it is actually but that's not the thing about it, the special thing about it is that it is heartfelt and touching in its simplicity that it moved me to tears in the end. Simple and sweet and powerful, there's a lack of such substance in films nowadays and For One More Day is a breath of fresh air...